The Experience

I think its time I write down this whole experience.  Back in February I doubled on a date with Chris. It was a bizarre set up and I've been trying to figure out why he asked me out to begin with. It started with the usual hellos and chats on facebook, then progressed to phone conversations, from there the dating began. He was funny thought i was cute. The typical hmm maybe this is an option. Not a few weeks later he asked me if I would be his girlfriend in not so many words. From then on I was known as his girlfriend. He liked to take pictures. He made me laugh. We had fun. At a conference on the street of SLC with U2 in the background he told me he loved me a month later. Thrown off guard i said it back. From then we spent every moment I wasn't at work together. I met his family and just laughed and got use to being called amazing and pretty.

After a few more weeks I started to have doubts. He watched R rated movies, didn't serve a mission, wasn't endowed. Church just didn't seem important to him. He just said we have the same core values it will all work out. Well one day he came to visit me at work and on my lunch break broke up with me. Saying he wasn't good enough for me. Not 24 hours later he showed up again saying it was a mistake. But after 24 hours of crying I felt better and ready to move forward with my life and decisions. However, Chris persisted and within a few days I was seeing him again. At first I thought we were just friends but he continued to call, text, and make plans with until before i knew it we were dating once again. Things were fine for a while He surprised me by cleaning my house, bringing me flowers, and being super sweet. A different guy then before. He did whatever I wanted when I wanted. He started asking for me to video chat with him while at work so he could see me. He wanted picture after picture after picture of me in any form but got really excited to see me in my running  shorts and bikini. I would say something as i expressed concern and he would blow it off with an explanation. Each time i accepted it without any problem. He would remind me daily of all the nice sweet things he did for me in order for me to rub his back. Physically he kept telling me he would never push too far, but that line seemed to go more and more. I wouldn't say anything because it would sound stupid. He continued to be persistent about random things. I got to the point I would just go along with it in order to avoid his reaction--which I never could predict.  I never felt I could be grumpy or sad or anything other than perfectly happy. Almost daily he would make me feel guilty about going on trips or my upcoming humanitarian mission i had planned since October. We were happy as long as I didn't bring up anything i was worried about. He would just say "well you need to figure that out" I don't like confrontation so I started to cave and just not say anything.

He asked me to marry him and I told him I wasn't ready and needed more time. From that time he would bring it up daily. I told him I needed time and if he pushed me too far this wasn't going to work. He said he would stop. But he just kept saying "I just like to make you feel uncomfortable." He would pull up rings ask my wedding plans and ask when we would go on our honeymoon. I just played along thinking he knew where I stood. Well starting about June 4 I stopped really feeling the spirit, had a incredibly crappy week at work, Chris brought up the marriage again and how he couldn't handle being away from me that many days in a row. Saturday June 9, Dr. Keith Hooker's funeral happened. I love this man and wanted to go honor his life with friends. Chris came--never in a white shirt even though he told me he was going to start. I also found out that week that he had seen an R rated movie--when I asked him about our deal his response was simply, "I didn't know our deal was back on." With him I never really felt like I had a choice if he went against it. After the funeral we headed to my house changed and went to the pool. As I pulled out a different suit he handed me my swim suit and said this one! "But you can wear what you want." I felt awkward and uncomfortable and just not right about it but I put it on. He sensed my change in mood and began to ask me over and over what was wrong. I became annoyed when I said I don't know i just feel awkward. He told me to quit pouting. We drove to the pool and I zoned while i read my pool. He put his headphones and just ignored me for over an hour. When he did decide to talk to me I told I don't know what was wrong. But during Hooker's funeral I had this clear and unmistakable impression that i needed to not marry Chris and go to grad school. After telling Chris this he stood, said I'm done, picked up his stuff and started walking. I gathered my things and he walked ahead of me until he was at the car. He opened my door and we rode in silence--tense silence back to my house. Once arrived he immediately opened my garage and got out of the car while I gathered my things. As i walked into my house he was there with a bag of his stuff and began collecting the rest of it. I ignored him and started to walk upstairs. He met me up there and then proceeded to talk to me. He cried while we sat as i tried to explain that I didn't know why i just felt like I wasn't suppose to marry him and didn't see the reason to date anymore. He questioned me to ask if I had prayed for the right question and the right answer. He told me he had prayed and received the answer he was suppose to marry me and be with me for all eternity. I was it for him. 

After an hour and a half of crying and saying I'm sorry but I just need space and time to figure this out he left. I specifically asked him not to contact me until I contacted him first. Not 3 hours later I discovered his go pro camera and a few other items he had left. He sent me a text and I agreed to meet him after church on Sunday. He then asked what i was doing and if i was still going to Orem city's fireworks. I told him yes. His reply, "Good to know you can kick me to the curb so quickly." From that point I began to ignore his phone calls and messages. I did not hear another thing until 1130 that night, when I received a phone call. I ignored it and he continued to call me over and over and over and over. He then began to send text after text pleading for me to call him back. I finally couldn't take it and called him. He began to ask me to talk to him. He asked me to drive up to his house in Holladay at midnight, even though I was oncall, to see him and we would go to church the next day together. I told him no and tried to explain once again my feelings and thoughts of I just can't marry you. He said he would wait we could date for years if needed. At one point I began to cry again and hung up after saying I'm sorry. He then called me multiple times again sending more and more text messages asking me to call him back. At this point I became scared and told Dani, who had come over thank goodness, i didn't feel safe and I drove to Highland after texting my dad. I collected the basics and drove home to Highland.

Sunday morning--I had barely slept at all--at 0600 I received another text asking me if I could meet him before church to exchange our belongings. I told him I couldn't and he then asked over and over for me to see him. He called me selfish and how could i treat him this way after all the nice things he had done for me. I stopped responding except to get his address so I could mail his stuff to him. He told me he was deleting my number. I did not hear anything about him until later that afternoon when I received a text message from girl he worked with asking me what had happened. Chris had deleted his facebook account and had apparently not responded to any phone calls. Concerned he ha done something drastic, I began to explain to his friend what had happened. I thanked her for being a good friend and asked that she look out for him for me. After texting her for a while, I heard nothing and headed back to my house in Orem. I was then checking email and attempted to look up my best friend Tilly on facebook--she had been in Indonesia and wanted to see if she had posted any pictures. I thought it strange that she wasn't appearing anywhere and didn't think to even look at security settings until later where I discovered she had been blocked from my account. Though I have no proof my logic led me to believe no one else could have done this except Chris. He had access to my computer and account and knew Tilly didn't like him. I was furious that he would do such a thing. I told my parents about this and Sunny, Cheryl, Becky, Dani and Angie. They agreed this was bizarre behavior and i should just ignore him. I also discovered a girl he knew had called me a bitch on a facebook picture i was tagged in. Right there I untagged myself from all pictures and blocked his friends and him from my account. I went to sleep in preparation for a long work day Monday morning.

I hadn't heard anything from Chris at this point and beginning to think I he was going to give my a break. During a meeting i was notified of a new message on facebook. It was from his friend who proceeded to tell me that Chris was leaving the church because of me and she hoped I knew what kind of girl I was to go from talking trips and rings to no contact at all. This of course hurt me and I almost started to cry. She then texted me that Chris needed his stuff by Wednesday because he was going out of town for a few days. I agreed I would mail his stuff or drop it off. She responded I could drop it off at work and she would come get it or I could leave it at his car. I told her I would drop it off at his house on Tuesday. Monday night at midnight I went with Mark to drive up there and drop off his box of stuff. I texted him it was there and left it at that. He responded to me later that he had some stuff of mine and asked when he could drop it off. I told him to mail it and gave him my parents address. I ignored further messages and didn't think anything else. A few hours later I received a text from an unknown number of a girl named Tiffany, my VT at the time, saying she had something for me and asked what time I would be home so I could drop it off too me. I got up from hair appointment and came home to be awake for the time of 230 I told her. I woke up to a knock at the door at 215. I walked downstairs and checked my peephole only to discover no one was there. I was expecting a package and opened the door to discover nothing was there. Chris, however, stepped out from my neighbors side of the patio and handed me a bag of stuff. I opened it while he came in to see what was there. Chris pulled out a note from his friend that he would not let me read. He then gave me a hug and apologized for how he had acted. I was scared to death at this point and went along with what he was saying so I could think of a way to get him to leave. I told him I had a meeting and had to get ready. He pleaded with me to wait while he ran back to his car. I of course bolted up my stairs locking my bedroom door and my bathroom door blasting the music and turning on the shower. He called me several times and sent me a few texts saying he had hoped for one more hug. I began shaking and text sunny to come over and give me the all clear before I left the bathroom. I then went with her to a meeting and came back to discover a CD with no label. It broke and I was informed by Chris it was a CD of pictures and a video he has created, telling me "it wasn't his best work." I did not respond after that and threw away the CD.

I then went 48 hours with no work from him. I assumed he was out of town, relaxed a bit, and settled back into my routine. At work on June 14, 2012 I was sitting it fasttrack talking when I saw someone who looked like Chris walk past with a vase of lily's. I panicked and walked around the corner as my gut told me it was him. I ran to the dirty utility and hid until sunny came. She told me he was in the consult room and refused to leave until he spoke with me. My pulse was faster than ever and i began to shake. Sunny said she would back me but i needed to talk to him. I stopped in Fasttrack and began a full fledged panic attack. Lindsay saw my pupils dilated I couldn't stop shaking and I was having a hard slowing my pulse down. Lindsay then went and spoke with Chris for me. He collected the letter, flowers, and candy and put them on the counter for me. Cheryl called her brother, a Provo cop, and he was over here in 5 minutes. Robert Talked to Chris and laid out the facts that he or his friends were not allowed to contact me. He was all dressed up in nice clothes. The flowers he had flown in from Hawaii and the chocolates were gourmet chocolate covered strawberries. He wrote me a full page letter including blue paper because it was my favorite,  and a card saying he loved me. I don't know what the rest of the letter said.  but I knew someone besides him had written on the envelope my name. All this was collected and sent with Robert for the report. I am still shaken and don't know what to do next. I pray he never contacts me again because i will probably loose it. Luckily, I can file stalking charges if he does. It helps to have well connected friends :D

  

I need to record this for myself, to remind myself why I had go to such extremes, and what I am feeling is justified. Also I hope someone may benefit from it as well. I've made some stupid choices I will never make again. A hard lesson to learn for me I guess. No one should be treated this way and made to feel unsafe in their own home. I have amazing people in my life who have been there, supported me, and protected me. From one family to another, they are there. I honestly don't know what I would do without them.